Sunday, August 29, 2010

My girl

My journey to motherhood has been one that has been marked and scarred with ups and downs. I came into motherhood completely unexpectedly and while I would never have chosen to be a single parent I wouldn't change our circumstances for anything. Abigail has been going through some things lately and we are having some difficulties and with that I am finding it's hard to appreciate her for who she is. So I decided to make a list. A list of things I love about my daughter. I need to remember the things about her that bring me joy. When she is feeling needy and I am feeling selfish I need to remember what breaks past my selfishness. When all she needs is me and I don't have anything left of me to give her I need to remember the things about her that keep me going.

* I love her laugh
* I love her curly hair
* I love her big brown eyes
* I love when she puts her hands on my cheeks and looks into my eyes
* I love when she pats me on the back
* I love when she tell me "I love you" when I haven't said it first
* I love when she picks out her own clothes
* I love her imagination
* I love her curiosity
* I love her passion for things
* I love when she prays
* I love how peaceful she looks when she is asleep
* I love when she asks questions about God
* I love how much she loves her cousin
* I love when she snuggles with me
* I love her kisses
* I love the joy she brings me
* I love that she wants to be a mermaid and that she really believes that mermaids are real
* I love that she is a gift of grace from the God of forgiveness
* I love that she shows me every day the face of God
* I love that through her God saved my life
* I love that every day with her is a new day, with new mercies
* I love that I love her so much that sometimes the thought of it overwhelms me
* I love imagining what she is going to be like when she is older
* I love that no matter what else is going on she can always make me laugh
* I love that her favorite song is I am Free by The Newsboys
* I love that no matter how frustrated I get, tired I am, mommy time I think I need that my love for her and her love for me outweighs everything.

Life is life these days and there are days when I fall into bed and just thank God that I got through the day. God is greater than life and He knew all of this when He gave me Abigail. My love for her outweighs my stress and outweighs the daily-ness. God gave me this child to grow me up, to teach me something. I look at her everyday in wonder that God would give me a child in the state I was in, but He knew. He knew who I would become. He knew who I was created to be and He knew what He was doing when the sperm and egg joined and Abigail was formed. He had a plan from the very beginning for my life and for her life. Who am I to doubt His plan. He is sovereign and His plan never fails. I have to believe that even when she is screaming at me, hitting me and telling me to go away. I have to believe that He is working things together when I cannot see what the next step is. I have to hold onto hope and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that His plan NEVER fails even when I cannot see, even when when my small faith is lacking and when unbelief takes over. God has a beautiful plan for Abigail and I, started that day when the doctor called and said those little words that changed my life "Well, it looks like you are pregnant" I have to remember those things that help me appreciate her for who she is, for who God created her to be. Sometimes I forget, in the midst of daily-ness and life I forget what a beautiful treasure I have been given in the form of this beautiful little girl.

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