Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I believe I have finally come up with a name for this blog that will stick. When I started this blog I was planning on homeschooling Abigail so my intention was to keep a log of my journey. After much prayer and consideration I decided not to home school but still wanted to blog. When God so gently commanded that I take an extended facebook break I knew I was going to need an outlet for myself so I thought "hey, why not focus your energies on blogging" I always loved writing and for long have wanted to put my heart and soul back into it. I have gone through like three or four different names for this blog, all based upon what I thought it was going to be. I have been trying to come up with just the right name. I keep seeing all these really cute blog names out there but they are obviously all taken and everyone that I have come up with for mine just doesn't seem to fit. So I took it to God.
I am involved in an amazing womens ministry that is very dear to my heart. We have monthy gathering where we worship, have teachings and just gather together in fellowship. I have the opportunity to share my testimony at our gathering in September. I have only really shared my testimony once before and this time is in front of women that I know and I am really nervous. I have been really seeking God and praying about what He would have me say that would glorify Him and what He has done in my life over the last four and a half years. With that I asked Him the other day, for a title. A title for my life. Something that expresses all He has done, who He is in me and everything the captures just what my journey has been. As I sat down to do my quiet time tonight and picked up my devotional and the verse studied was Genesis 50:20. One of my ALL TIME favorites.

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many should be kept alive as they are today"

I just love it. Everything that the enemy meant for evil against me God meant for good, so that it could be brought about to help someone else. That is where then I got the thought of woven grace. Everything that I have through, good, bad, sin I committed or sin someone committed against me, joy, pain, trial or accomplishments was all something that God was weaving together in His grace to bring it about, to mold me into who He always wanted me to be. Every thread, strand, and piece of me is woven together in God's amazing grace for His purpose. I am thrilled to be a part of His plan. He told me a long time ago that He was going to do big things in my life. What that means, I don't know. I know He is putting together something fantastic, something that is going to blow me away. I know He is going to take every tear I ever cried and redeem it. I know that everyday He is working to redeem those years that the locusts ate. I know that I am so undeserving of it all, but so thankful for His love and grace, without it I would still be a sinner lost to herself.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My girl

My journey to motherhood has been one that has been marked and scarred with ups and downs. I came into motherhood completely unexpectedly and while I would never have chosen to be a single parent I wouldn't change our circumstances for anything. Abigail has been going through some things lately and we are having some difficulties and with that I am finding it's hard to appreciate her for who she is. So I decided to make a list. A list of things I love about my daughter. I need to remember the things about her that bring me joy. When she is feeling needy and I am feeling selfish I need to remember what breaks past my selfishness. When all she needs is me and I don't have anything left of me to give her I need to remember the things about her that keep me going.

* I love her laugh
* I love her curly hair
* I love her big brown eyes
* I love when she puts her hands on my cheeks and looks into my eyes
* I love when she pats me on the back
* I love when she tell me "I love you" when I haven't said it first
* I love when she picks out her own clothes
* I love her imagination
* I love her curiosity
* I love her passion for things
* I love when she prays
* I love how peaceful she looks when she is asleep
* I love when she asks questions about God
* I love how much she loves her cousin
* I love when she snuggles with me
* I love her kisses
* I love the joy she brings me
* I love that she wants to be a mermaid and that she really believes that mermaids are real
* I love that she is a gift of grace from the God of forgiveness
* I love that she shows me every day the face of God
* I love that through her God saved my life
* I love that every day with her is a new day, with new mercies
* I love that I love her so much that sometimes the thought of it overwhelms me
* I love imagining what she is going to be like when she is older
* I love that no matter what else is going on she can always make me laugh
* I love that her favorite song is I am Free by The Newsboys
* I love that no matter how frustrated I get, tired I am, mommy time I think I need that my love for her and her love for me outweighs everything.

Life is life these days and there are days when I fall into bed and just thank God that I got through the day. God is greater than life and He knew all of this when He gave me Abigail. My love for her outweighs my stress and outweighs the daily-ness. God gave me this child to grow me up, to teach me something. I look at her everyday in wonder that God would give me a child in the state I was in, but He knew. He knew who I would become. He knew who I was created to be and He knew what He was doing when the sperm and egg joined and Abigail was formed. He had a plan from the very beginning for my life and for her life. Who am I to doubt His plan. He is sovereign and His plan never fails. I have to believe that even when she is screaming at me, hitting me and telling me to go away. I have to believe that He is working things together when I cannot see what the next step is. I have to hold onto hope and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that His plan NEVER fails even when I cannot see, even when when my small faith is lacking and when unbelief takes over. God has a beautiful plan for Abigail and I, started that day when the doctor called and said those little words that changed my life "Well, it looks like you are pregnant" I have to remember those things that help me appreciate her for who she is, for who God created her to be. Sometimes I forget, in the midst of daily-ness and life I forget what a beautiful treasure I have been given in the form of this beautiful little girl.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

He is God



All Powerful....



Those are just some of the words that describe God. I was thinking about this last night while I was praying. Thinking about Him and just how mighty He really is. I am in the middle of some life stuff right now that is just really drawing me nearer to Him. And I have just been having these really awesome times with Him lately. I was just having a chat with God in bed last night before shutting out the lights when His presence came onto me so hard.... It struck me and I was speechless. I was talking to Him about Him. About who He is and how much I love Him for who He is and what He has done. I was using the words like I did above, awesome, mighty, and trying really to express in words my thanks to God for His awesomeness in my life when I ran out of words and realized that no words in the english language really can convey to God what He has done in my life and how much it means to me that He saved me from a certain death. I want to say thank you to God but thank you just doesn't seem big enough to fully cover the cost of what He did on the cross. Words like Awesome are used so frequently to describe the newest outfit or song (and yes I do this all the time) that though it's often used in the context of God it just doesn't seem right, it doesn't seem fitting for a King. I have been known to call God radical, because He is although I don't think you would see radical anywhere in scripture. Holy seems more fitting, and one of my favorite scriptures is from Isaiah and I think it perfectly captures His Holiness.
"In the year the King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him were two seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another. "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory." At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. "Woe to me" I cried for I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips. and my eyes have seen the King the Lord Almighty. Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the alter. With it he touched my mouth and said "see, this has touched your lips, your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for"

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that portion of scripture. I think there we get a really good glimpse of holiness. I love how His Holiness captures us and makes us think. It captured me last night and I believe that is what rendered me speechless. I couldn't even come up with a single thing to say to Him. I was just in awe and there were no words for it. And me being speechless is a pretty big thing considering I am a pretty wordy girl. I say there on my bed for who knows how long with my hands just held up to Him, just worshiping the God who gave me the english language to express myself but knew that there would never be a word big enough or fitting enough to describe Him. I love that I can sit there, at His feet saying nothing yet saying everything to Him from my heart. I love that we have this special language that just the two of us speak. That I know Him and He knows me. I love that He renders this wordy, talkative girl speechless on an almost daily basis.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tattoos and torn jeans

It's time for a little soul searching.....

Who am I.

I mean really. When God Himself picked me up out of that pit, wiped the ashes off my face and looked deep into my eyes what did He see, or better yet who did He see. With the childhood I had, leading into the adolescence I had there was always this lingering problem of not knowing who I was. So I would do the next best thing and conform to whomever I was around. I would start dressing like they dressed, liking the music, food and even the boys they liked. It was easier to conform to who they were than to walk around in this numbness of not knowing who I was. This started at a very early age.... Like I can remember these feelings as early as like 6 or 7. This was what I did all through elementary and junior high school. When I got into highschool I was thrust into a world of 300 other kids who didn't know who they were and were all trying to do the same thing. I very quickly became someone I didn't want to be but in my mind it was better than having no identity at all. This identity would be carried with me everywhere I went. It was branded on me by everyone, my friends, my teachers, my youth group leaders, even my own parents. It was something that it took me until this year this break free from. It wasn't an identity I asked asked for but it was better than walking around numb and not knowing who I am. I would continue this cycle of numbness then conformity, numbness then conformity and so and so forth. All the while the lies inside my head were just getting louder. I didn't know I had an enemy, a vicious enemy that prowls around like a roaring lion waiting to devour you. But he was there and he was loud. I would hear things like "You will NEVER be good enough, "You will always be like this, "You have to be this way or no one will love you, "This is just who you are, accept it" When I started to do drugs the lies started to go like this. "You need this drug, "You will never get by without it, "This is part of your image now, accept it, and the final lie I believed, Toughness is what will make you, don't ever let it go" I came to a point where I accepted toughness as my fate, as my identity, as my cover for every scar on my wounded heart. I remember one day after an AA meeting sitting with some of my friends eating breakfast. There I was with my bleach blond hair, my heavy eye makeup, all my tattoos, my camel smokes in front of me with my zippo lighter, mouth as tight as could be, smoking my cigarette when one of the ladies looks at me as says "Do you always try and act so tough" I was floored. Angry at first that she would dare question my act, then embarrassed that it was so flawed. I have carried that toughness with me for a long time. It made me and it eventually broke me. It's still breaking me. I have carved this image, this idol for myself that I have to be this person, this someone that is cool, tough, and unbreakable. The problem is I am none of those things. While I love to think I am cool, those around me will tell you that I am pretty much a dork. And truth be told I am not tough and don't want to be tough anymore. God see's past my toughness and really so does every one else. I am the queen of meltdowns and when I have one there is no toughness there. God wants my heart to be soft, mold-able to Him and pure above all else. And the unbreakable part of that image well that was broken two and a half years ago when I reached my hands up to the sky out of pure desperation and said "Lord break me" And He was true to His word and He started the longest most painful process that I have ever been through. Part of that process was the breaking of the idol of my image. The toughness, the unbreakable spirit that I carried. The girl who thought that tattoos and torn jeans were who she was and that she needed to be defined by that. It's not me, it never was. The only problem is all the abuse I went through and the lies and I listened to for so long have caused me to still suffer from some identity chaos. I am on a little more solid ground now. I at least know these days what kind of food I like, music I like and have grown up enough to realize that differences in friends are a good thing. But there are some deeper things, some soul things that I have no idea about. Things I need my Father in heaven to speak so sweetly to me. And I believe He will. This I believe is the next part in my healing journey. To really seek Him in my identity, because my identity is in Christ.
"For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sister"
Romans 8:29
That is the only kind of conforming I want these days.......

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hey...It's 2am

1. I secretly wish I had hot pink hair....
2. I really miss my blond hair....
3. While we are on the subject of hair, I REALLY wish I could rock the dread lock look, like really.
4. 2am coffee runs to 7-11 are the greatest.
5. While I am a self admitted coffee snob there really is nothing like cheap french vanilla coffee out of a machine.
6. I REALLY love my daughter.
7. I really thought I wanted to go to seminary to get smarter.
8. Sometimes I really am a doubting Thomas
9. I may not look it on the outside but I am really insecure about a lot of things.
10. Women scare me so being a part of a women's ministry is a HUGE deal.
11. I organize my m&m's by color and eat them according to how many there are of each color.
12. In my dream life I wish I were a bounty hunter.
13. I am very fond of my second ammendment right.
14. If I could skip all the training and years of grunt work I would want to be an FBI agent or a US Marshall.
15. Jesus really is the love of my life, really He is. I am banana's for Him :)
16. When driving I tend to hug the right side of the lane.
17. God revealed to me this week that I had been acting like an Israelite.... I whining, moping, doubting Israelite.
18. Habakkuk 3:19 is my verse for the week, month, season......
19. I still think seminary or bible college is a good idea...
20. I am seeing God do some AMAZING things in the lives of people I know and care about.
21. I have some amazing people in my life, truly amazing.
22. It's 2:39am
23. God has an amazing plan in store for Abigail and her father and I get to see it all unfold.
24. I really want to be Beth Moore's personal assistant.
25. I am still awed that I am a part of the very ministry that was essential in my freedom.
26. I miss Celebrity Sports center (any native Coloradan child of the 80's knows what I am talking about)
27. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!
28. I once prayed, two and a half years ago for God to break me........ He's still breaking me. I didn't quit know what I was getting into when I prayed that prayer.
29. I wonder how many of these facts I can come up with?
30. Six years ago my drug of choice was crack... today my drug of choice is Jesus and coffee :)
31. I would not have believed six years ago if I had been given a glimpse into the future that I would have the life I have today.... God is beyond good, and He is so nice to me. When He could have killed me for my sin, He chose to send His Son to die for me so I could have life and relationship with Him. How great is our God.
32. One more off the wall, totally random fact...... I absolutely CANNOT stand to look at, be near, see on TV, or have ANYTHING to do with cotton balls. They FREAK me out. Everything about them... YUCK. Even just writing about them makes me shiver.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Out of the past

Out of the past comes a voice....... a voice long forgotten. A voice that I am attached to forever. A voice that part of me shares a part with. A voice that left a long time ago. A voice that made a choice a long time ago. A voice that used to tell me I love you, but yet a voice that never knew what love was. A voice that desperately needs to know the love that comes from Jesus. A voice that I have prayed for, for many years. A voice that used to hurt. A voice that used to laugh. A voice that once was tender. A voice that once tried to make a way for me. A voice that once told me nothing would tear us apart. A voice that I turned away from and left, in that room and made the choice to a give life to my child. A voice that I knew was hurting when He said those awful things. A voice that tried to do the right thing. A voice that never was shown the right way to do things. A voice that now wants to do the right thing. A voice that needs healing. A voice that is seeking the truth. A voice that I desperately want to tell that Jesus loves, that Jesus died for, there is freedom and healing in Jesus. A voice that just wants his daughter. A voice that came from the past.