Friday, December 31, 2010

2010... So on and so on

So as I sit here on this last day of 2010 with my glass of diet 7-UP watching Diego with Abigail I can't help but feel like I am some kind of strange dream. Like when am I going to wake up from this and realize that none of this really happened. But then I remember that, that February day WAS in fact real (when I gave my life to Christ) and this is in fact my life. I guess I say that because I remember where I was five years ago, even one year ago and it just BLOWS me away what God has done in my life.

New Years Eve 2005 I was pregnant, bar hopping because I didn't want to sit in a motel room by myself. I rang in the new year probably angry and that's how I stayed for the next five years. I lived in a haze. I thought getting saved was the end all be all. God had fixed everything in my salvation moment and I didn't need to do anymore work, I was golden... uh huh yeah. Fast forward to New Years Eve 2009. 2009 was a bad year in every respect of the word bad. I was miserable. In a pit that I for some reason on the surface didn't realize I was in. I was making horrible choices. As a mom I was not who I wanted to be or who God intended for me to be. I was looking for love in none of the places the I needed to be looking for love. I was drifting further and further from the heart of God and sinking further and further into sin. I couldn't see it. Everything around me SUCKED, big time. Although I would tell you that I loved God and that I had hope I don't know if I really believed it. I don't know if I believed anything. I had a foundational experience that planted huge seeds of freedom in my heart in October of 2009 but I wasn't quite ready to say that I was done living the way I, in my flesh wanted to live. I had grown comfortable in my pit and as a victim and didn't want to feel any pain. I knew healing would be hard and I wasn't ready for that yet. I had NO IDEA what God had around the corner for me. 2010 started and I was just stuck. That's the best way to describe it. I knew the end was coming but I didn't know how to climb out of my pit. While I knew that God wanted more for me, I could not on my own break the cycle of sin I was in. I was driving home from work late one night just sobbing because I didn't want to "do it" anymore. I was just tired, done, weary and so tired of fighting God. He told me to e-mail a dear friend of mine and tell her I wanted to be free. I did that and that e-mail set in motion 2010. We started a freedom bible study that UNLEASHED the power of God in my life. That was just the beginning. He has done so much this year. In my heart, in my mind, in my finances, in my parenting. Not to say that I am already where I want to be but I am no where near where I was this time last year. I am FREE. Free from the power of bad decisions and poor choices. FREE from self destruction and addiction. FREE from running from God. He was there, with His arms wide open waiting for me to come home to Him. 2010 was a hard year. I cried a lot of tears. Lost a very dear friend. Processed a lot of anger. But I moved on from a lot of things too. I forgave some things I thought I would never forgive. I let go of some things I thought I would hold on to forever. I laid down some wounds that I thought would never heal. 2010 was victorious. God was faithful, wonderful and gracious. He spoke so many sweet words to this hurting heart. When I didn't think I could keep going He kept me going. Leaving 2010 behind brings peace because I know it was for God's glory. I look forward to what 2011 holds. God's working an eternal plan for my life and it excites me to see what He is doing.

"Leave the broken, irreversible past in God's hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him." Oswald Chambers