Baptism

My baptism was me dying to myself. My death to sin, to bondage, to everything unholy in me and to my past. It was my death to legalism and religious bondage. Death to the idea of perfection and who I think I should be in my own eyes. Death to my will, my plan, my ways and my selfish, small thinking. Death to being trapped in my circumstances and living my life based on what is going on around me. My death to unbelief, doubt and fear. Today I went down into the waters, my old self, the rebellious, prodigal child that I was and made my public statement before you and my God that that I am dying to everything behind me and rising out of these waters to alive in Him. To live for Him. To honor Him. To obey Him. To glorify Him. To passionately pursue Him. To grow in Him. To seek Him daily. To love Him more with each passing day. To look at Him and not the world. Let me find thy life in my death.

So July is another one of those months that causes great reflection within my soul. Abigail was born in July, the 27th to be exact. July 28th 2005 marks the last time I ever used methamphetamine or cocaine, and is also the day that I moved from Kansas to Florida which started the chain reaction of events which eventually led to my salvation and current faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. Right now it's the middle of the night, I am at work and it has been a rough night, I am tired and really need more coffee but have just realized that I passed the point of no return for having coffee. I keep thinking about all the things in my life that are changing. It's all for good, all to grow me up and grow me closer to my savior but all involve some fire and some uncomfortable emotions and processes. God said to me back in October of last year that He was going to do a work in me and He wasn't kidding when He said that. I just didn't know how much of a work it was going to be. I didn't realize that it was going to impact every area of my life. I didn't realize that it was going to change every friendship I had. I had no idea when I held my arms up to Him at that conference last October and "Yes, Lord, Save me" what exactly He was going to do. I am grateful... SO grateful. I cannot even believe that girl I used to be. But that is PROOF right there of the power of a miraculous, life changing Lord.
July 27th, 2005. We were getting ready to move to Florida. Abigail's father and I knew that if we stayed in Kansas we were never going to get clean. Knew that there was no hope for either one of us if we stayed in a place where everyone we knew got high. I don't know if we really thought we were going to get clean, or if somewhere in the back of our minds we knew we just move to Florida and continue to use. I had every intention though that night of going out with a bang, no matter if I planned on using again or not. With every line that I snorted that night I felt myself slipping further and further into an emptiness that I thought I was killing with the drugs. I didn't want to let them go, butI didn't know any other way out. I hated drugs but loved them at the same time. They had been my best friend but yet my worst enemy. I was an addict in every sense of the word and lived my life addicted for a very long time. That night was the beginning of the end. I wouldn't ever pick up meth or cocaine again. I would continue to drink and smoke pot. But God was starting his work in me, beginning to pursue me and started the plan in motion of getting me where He needed me for His ultimate purpose. I kind of got off track with this but I think my point was is who I was, was someone who couldn't go a day without getting high, someone who would have done ANYTHING to get drugs. Now I CANNOT go a day without Jesus, I CANNOT go a day without His Word, I CANNOT go a day without being on my face before Him because I love Him so very much. He began a work in me that July 28, 2005 and it just goes to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do. He is a God who lo ves His children and a God who doesn't want to leave ANY ONE of us where we are. He can use ANY ONE of us for His purpose and ANY ONE of our stories.....
Now I only have an hour left of my shift and must spend it trying to stay awake :)

Shower Revelations......

So lately I have been thinking a lot about my decision to send Abigail to preschool. It was a decision that took MUCH prayer and consideration and one I didn't make lightly. Before having children I had never given the thought of education much thought. Public school is where I went and well frankly the home school kids I knew were weird. So I never gave it a second thought that once I had children they would go to public school. Once I had Abigail, started going to MOPS and entered into friends with amazing women who home-schooled I started to see the other side of it, the cool side of home schooling and became I intrigued. I started thinking that maybe this would be the choice in education for us. Never really giving a thought the the fact that I am a single working parent. So I started to absorb everything they said when talking about home-schooling, started hanging out at their houses while schooling their children so I could see what they were doing. I was hooked and needed as much info as possible. Well as time went on, and she got older, time got closer and closer for me to begin schooling her I didn't so much start doubting my ability to teach my daughter but really started to prayerfully consider if this was God's best for my family. Working full time, and trying to get Abigail and I to a place where we actually liked each other was becoming a priority and adding something else to the plate didn't seem fair to either one of us. I have also been known to try and do everything, and try and do it perfectly. I have also been known to try and do things to fit in with people. That leads us to today's shower revelation. Over the last seven months I have been on a journey with God towards freedom. Along that journey I am reading, listening, watching ANYTHING that has to do with freedom. I was watching a message today by Bob Hamp on freedom and the definition for freedom that he gave was this. "Freedom is defined by being what God intended, created, and designed you to be" So here I am in the shower praying about some stuff with God. This decision not to home-school and some of the feelings I am having about it being one of them, when here comes the Lord with His 2x4 and He says to me "Bethany if I didn't create you to be a homeschooling mother than you were not walking in freedom by trying to be something you weren't meant to be" He hit me right between the eyes with that one. All along I have been feeling like somehow by not home schooling Abigail I was not living up to who God wanted me to be but in reality by choosing to not home school I am walking in freedom......
How's that for a revelation