Out of the past

Out of the past comes a voice....... a voice long forgotten. A voice that I am attached to forever. A voice that part of me shares a part with. A voice that left a long time ago. A voice that made a choice a long time ago. A voice that used to tell me I love you, but yet a voice that never knew what love was. A voice that desperately needs to know the love that comes from Jesus. A voice that I have prayed for, for many years. A voice that used to hurt. A voice that used to laugh. A voice that once was tender. A voice that once tried to make a way for me. A voice that once told me nothing would tear us apart. A voice that I turned away from and left, in that room and made the choice to a give life to my child. A voice that I knew was hurting when He said those awful things. A voice that tried to do the right thing. A voice that never was shown the right way to do things. A voice that now wants to do the right thing. A voice that needs healing. A voice that is seeking the truth. A voice that I desperately want to tell that Jesus loves, that Jesus died for, there is freedom and healing in Jesus. A voice that just wants his daughter. A voice that came from the past.

Baptism

My baptism was me dying to myself. My death to sin, to bondage, to everything unholy in me and to my past. It was my death to legalism and religious bondage. Death to the idea of perfection and who I think I should be in my own eyes. Death to my will, my plan, my ways and my selfish, small thinking. Death to being trapped in my circumstances and living my life based on what is going on around me. My death to unbelief, doubt and fear. Today I went down into the waters, my old self, the rebellious, prodigal child that I was and made my public statement before you and my God that that I am dying to everything behind me and rising out of these waters to alive in Him. To live for Him. To honor Him. To obey Him. To glorify Him. To passionately pursue Him. To grow in Him. To seek Him daily. To love Him more with each passing day. To look at Him and not the world. Let me find thy life in my death.

So July is another one of those months that causes great reflection within my soul. Abigail was born in July, the 27th to be exact. July 28th 2005 marks the last time I ever used methamphetamine or cocaine, and is also the day that I moved from Kansas to Florida which started the chain reaction of events which eventually led to my salvation and current faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. Right now it's the middle of the night, I am at work and it has been a rough night, I am tired and really need more coffee but have just realized that I passed the point of no return for having coffee. I keep thinking about all the things in my life that are changing. It's all for good, all to grow me up and grow me closer to my savior but all involve some fire and some uncomfortable emotions and processes. God said to me back in October of last year that He was going to do a work in me and He wasn't kidding when He said that. I just didn't know how much of a work it was going to be. I didn't realize that it was going to impact every area of my life. I didn't realize that it was going to change every friendship I had. I had no idea when I held my arms up to Him at that conference last October and "Yes, Lord, Save me" what exactly He was going to do. I am grateful... SO grateful. I cannot even believe that girl I used to be. But that is PROOF right there of the power of a miraculous, life changing Lord.
July 27th, 2005. We were getting ready to move to Florida. Abigail's father and I knew that if we stayed in Kansas we were never going to get clean. Knew that there was no hope for either one of us if we stayed in a place where everyone we knew got high. I don't know if we really thought we were going to get clean, or if somewhere in the back of our minds we knew we just move to Florida and continue to use. I had every intention though that night of going out with a bang, no matter if I planned on using again or not. With every line that I snorted that night I felt myself slipping further and further into an emptiness that I thought I was killing with the drugs. I didn't want to let them go, butI didn't know any other way out. I hated drugs but loved them at the same time. They had been my best friend but yet my worst enemy. I was an addict in every sense of the word and lived my life addicted for a very long time. That night was the beginning of the end. I wouldn't ever pick up meth or cocaine again. I would continue to drink and smoke pot. But God was starting his work in me, beginning to pursue me and started the plan in motion of getting me where He needed me for His ultimate purpose. I kind of got off track with this but I think my point was is who I was, was someone who couldn't go a day without getting high, someone who would have done ANYTHING to get drugs. Now I CANNOT go a day without Jesus, I CANNOT go a day without His Word, I CANNOT go a day without being on my face before Him because I love Him so very much. He began a work in me that July 28, 2005 and it just goes to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do. He is a God who lo ves His children and a God who doesn't want to leave ANY ONE of us where we are. He can use ANY ONE of us for His purpose and ANY ONE of our stories.....
Now I only have an hour left of my shift and must spend it trying to stay awake :)

Shower Revelations......

So lately I have been thinking a lot about my decision to send Abigail to preschool. It was a decision that took MUCH prayer and consideration and one I didn't make lightly. Before having children I had never given the thought of education much thought. Public school is where I went and well frankly the home school kids I knew were weird. So I never gave it a second thought that once I had children they would go to public school. Once I had Abigail, started going to MOPS and entered into friends with amazing women who home-schooled I started to see the other side of it, the cool side of home schooling and became I intrigued. I started thinking that maybe this would be the choice in education for us. Never really giving a thought the the fact that I am a single working parent. So I started to absorb everything they said when talking about home-schooling, started hanging out at their houses while schooling their children so I could see what they were doing. I was hooked and needed as much info as possible. Well as time went on, and she got older, time got closer and closer for me to begin schooling her I didn't so much start doubting my ability to teach my daughter but really started to prayerfully consider if this was God's best for my family. Working full time, and trying to get Abigail and I to a place where we actually liked each other was becoming a priority and adding something else to the plate didn't seem fair to either one of us. I have also been known to try and do everything, and try and do it perfectly. I have also been known to try and do things to fit in with people. That leads us to today's shower revelation. Over the last seven months I have been on a journey with God towards freedom. Along that journey I am reading, listening, watching ANYTHING that has to do with freedom. I was watching a message today by Bob Hamp on freedom and the definition for freedom that he gave was this. "Freedom is defined by being what God intended, created, and designed you to be" So here I am in the shower praying about some stuff with God. This decision not to home-school and some of the feelings I am having about it being one of them, when here comes the Lord with His 2x4 and He says to me "Bethany if I didn't create you to be a homeschooling mother than you were not walking in freedom by trying to be something you weren't meant to be" He hit me right between the eyes with that one. All along I have been feeling like somehow by not home schooling Abigail I was not living up to who God wanted me to be but in reality by choosing to not home school I am walking in freedom......
How's that for a revelation

Diving in

Back in my BC days (before Christ) I wrote ALOT. None of my writing is anything I would share with anyone. It was all dark, evil and FULL of self loathing. Lately something has been stirring inside my heart to start writing again. A stirring to get out these emotions I have been feeling lately. I have this stirring in my heart for something and am having a hard time processing it and think that writing about it is just the thing I need. So I going to give this writing thing I try again. Not as the depressed, melancholy girl I used to be, but a the redeemed, beloved, forgiven bride of Christ I am today. It's going to be a wild ride.

Be Still and KNOW

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

This verse has really been on my heart lately. Well to be truthful it has been everywhere I go. Church, on the radio, in my devotions and even at Deeper Still this last weekend. So I am starting to think that God is trying to tell me something. Be still Bethany and know that I am God...... What exactly do those words mean. In my study bible I have a great description of what this verse means. In my TNIV bible it explains this verse as be still meaning in the Hebrew ENOUGH. Imagine that God saying enough, no more, or STOP....... Stop what your doing, stop the worrying, stop the fear, stop the trying so hard to do it your own way and just let Me be God. I will confess here that I often try and do things my own way. I get so fearful that God isn't going to come through that I just figure I will get my smart little plan in there and figure it out on my own. What usually winds up happening is I fall FLAT on my face and have to realize the hard way that if I had just waited on Him it would have worked out in His timing not my own. This coming to a place of being able to be still before Him has taken a LONG time and I will admit that I am NOT even close to being where I know He wants me. Over the last six months I have been walking the most amazing journey with Him that started with a very dear friend telling me the truth, in a very direct way that I needed to do something with my self and get out of the pit I was in. This has gotten me to the place I am now and with this verse being placed on my heart by God. Another way I have heard this verse explained was by another very dear friend of mine at a conference back in October. She stated "I like to think of Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God, as sit back and watch this" I love that, because truly that is what it is. When we take ourselves out of the picture, when we cease striving, stop worrying, let go of all anxiety and just give it all to Him, He is able to do the most amazing things in the midst of some pretty painful circumstances. I want to see what He can do when I give Him the things that I thought I could figure out on my own, or the things that I thought He would never come through on. He can and He does come through. Even in the little things. I recently crashed my car, totally my fault yes but He totally came through for me. Here I was worried about what I was going to do without a car and He totally provided until I got mine back from the shop. I gave it to Him and He blew me away. I love to see how he provides in the big ways too. I hear stories from friends about providing groceries when they didn't have any, providing money to pay bills when they weren't sure where it was going to come from, being the all consuming comfort in times of great loss. He is a great God and when we are still before Him He does mighty things. This is where He wants us. I don't know if I'll ever be able to really be physically still. Those that know me know I am a fast mover, a fast talker and one that likes to ALWAYS be doing something, and maybe that's just the way I am made. But if I can be still before my God and cease everything else then my friends that kind of still is good enough for me.

What's on my mind

That tends to be a scary question.......

The biggest thing on my mind today is this love that I feel for my daughter. I mean really, I LOVE her. I never knew it was possible to love another person this much. When they put her in my arms after giving birth to her and I looked into those big eyes of hers, as tired as I was I knew, knew in the depths of my soul that I finally knew what it was to love another person. We struggle, sure. What mom doesn't. Sometimes my struggles are different than some. I am a single parent. Our family looks a little different than most, but it works for us (most of the time). Today is just one of those days where I am wondering, out loud. "What could I be doing differently" I work a crazy job, with crazy hours so needless to say I am exhausted a good majority of the time and pretty much survive on massive amounts of caffeine. I need to focus on giving her stability but in that living the life that God wants me to live and be doing the work that He wants me doing. That is my soul purpose, to be doing what He has called me to do. He has called me to be this curly headed, big brown eyed, spirited child's mother. When the doctor called and said those words I will NEVER forget "Well it looks like your pregnant" I knew that my life was about to change, I just had no idea how much. I didn't know that the God of the universe was about to call me into His arms. I didn't know that I was about to step into a relationship with Jesus. I had no clue that in the next four year I would experience more pain, more heartache, cry more tears yet experience more joy than I ever had before. I didn't know that as I kiss my daughter goodnight as I came home from work that I could look at her sweet face and realize that I love her more now than I did the day she was born.......