Awesome....
Mighty....
All Powerful....
Glorious....
Holy....
Those are just some of the words that describe God. I was thinking about this last night while I was praying. Thinking about Him and just how mighty He really is. I am in the middle of some life stuff right now that is just really drawing me nearer to Him. And I have just been having these really awesome times with Him lately. I was just having a chat with God in bed last night before shutting out the lights when His presence came onto me so hard.... It struck me and I was speechless. I was talking to Him about Him. About who He is and how much I love Him for who He is and what He has done. I was using the words like I did above, awesome, mighty, and trying really to express in words my thanks to God for His awesomeness in my life when I ran out of words and realized that no words in the english language really can convey to God what He has done in my life and how much it means to me that He saved me from a certain death. I want to say thank you to God but thank you just doesn't seem big enough to fully cover the cost of what He did on the cross. Words like Awesome are used so frequently to describe the newest outfit or song (and yes I do this all the time) that though it's often used in the context of God it just doesn't seem right, it doesn't seem fitting for a King. I have been known to call God radical, because He is although I don't think you would see radical anywhere in scripture. Holy seems more fitting, and one of my favorite scriptures is from Isaiah and I think it perfectly captures His Holiness.
"In the year the King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him were two seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another. "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory." At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. "Woe to me" I cried for I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips. and my eyes have seen the King the Lord Almighty. Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the alter. With it he touched my mouth and said "see, this has touched your lips, your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for"
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that portion of scripture. I think there we get a really good glimpse of holiness. I love how His Holiness captures us and makes us think. It captured me last night and I believe that is what rendered me speechless. I couldn't even come up with a single thing to say to Him. I was just in awe and there were no words for it. And me being speechless is a pretty big thing considering I am a pretty wordy girl. I say there on my bed for who knows how long with my hands just held up to Him, just worshiping the God who gave me the english language to express myself but knew that there would never be a word big enough or fitting enough to describe Him. I love that I can sit there, at His feet saying nothing yet saying everything to Him from my heart. I love that we have this special language that just the two of us speak. That I know Him and He knows me. I love that He renders this wordy, talkative girl speechless on an almost daily basis.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tattoos and torn jeans
It's time for a little soul searching.....
Who am I.
I mean really. When God Himself picked me up out of that pit, wiped the ashes off my face and looked deep into my eyes what did He see, or better yet who did He see. With the childhood I had, leading into the adolescence I had there was always this lingering problem of not knowing who I was. So I would do the next best thing and conform to whomever I was around. I would start dressing like they dressed, liking the music, food and even the boys they liked. It was easier to conform to who they were than to walk around in this numbness of not knowing who I was. This started at a very early age.... Like I can remember these feelings as early as like 6 or 7. This was what I did all through elementary and junior high school. When I got into highschool I was thrust into a world of 300 other kids who didn't know who they were and were all trying to do the same thing. I very quickly became someone I didn't want to be but in my mind it was better than having no identity at all. This identity would be carried with me everywhere I went. It was branded on me by everyone, my friends, my teachers, my youth group leaders, even my own parents. It was something that it took me until this year this break free from. It wasn't an identity I asked asked for but it was better than walking around numb and not knowing who I am. I would continue this cycle of numbness then conformity, numbness then conformity and so and so forth. All the while the lies inside my head were just getting louder. I didn't know I had an enemy, a vicious enemy that prowls around like a roaring lion waiting to devour you. But he was there and he was loud. I would hear things like "You will NEVER be good enough, "You will always be like this, "You have to be this way or no one will love you, "This is just who you are, accept it" When I started to do drugs the lies started to go like this. "You need this drug, "You will never get by without it, "This is part of your image now, accept it, and the final lie I believed, Toughness is what will make you, don't ever let it go" I came to a point where I accepted toughness as my fate, as my identity, as my cover for every scar on my wounded heart. I remember one day after an AA meeting sitting with some of my friends eating breakfast. There I was with my bleach blond hair, my heavy eye makeup, all my tattoos, my camel smokes in front of me with my zippo lighter, mouth as tight as could be, smoking my cigarette when one of the ladies looks at me as says "Do you always try and act so tough" I was floored. Angry at first that she would dare question my act, then embarrassed that it was so flawed. I have carried that toughness with me for a long time. It made me and it eventually broke me. It's still breaking me. I have carved this image, this idol for myself that I have to be this person, this someone that is cool, tough, and unbreakable. The problem is I am none of those things. While I love to think I am cool, those around me will tell you that I am pretty much a dork. And truth be told I am not tough and don't want to be tough anymore. God see's past my toughness and really so does every one else. I am the queen of meltdowns and when I have one there is no toughness there. God wants my heart to be soft, mold-able to Him and pure above all else. And the unbreakable part of that image well that was broken two and a half years ago when I reached my hands up to the sky out of pure desperation and said "Lord break me" And He was true to His word and He started the longest most painful process that I have ever been through. Part of that process was the breaking of the idol of my image. The toughness, the unbreakable spirit that I carried. The girl who thought that tattoos and torn jeans were who she was and that she needed to be defined by that. It's not me, it never was. The only problem is all the abuse I went through and the lies and I listened to for so long have caused me to still suffer from some identity chaos. I am on a little more solid ground now. I at least know these days what kind of food I like, music I like and have grown up enough to realize that differences in friends are a good thing. But there are some deeper things, some soul things that I have no idea about. Things I need my Father in heaven to speak so sweetly to me. And I believe He will. This I believe is the next part in my healing journey. To really seek Him in my identity, because my identity is in Christ.
"For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sister"
Romans 8:29
That is the only kind of conforming I want these days.......
Who am I.
I mean really. When God Himself picked me up out of that pit, wiped the ashes off my face and looked deep into my eyes what did He see, or better yet who did He see. With the childhood I had, leading into the adolescence I had there was always this lingering problem of not knowing who I was. So I would do the next best thing and conform to whomever I was around. I would start dressing like they dressed, liking the music, food and even the boys they liked. It was easier to conform to who they were than to walk around in this numbness of not knowing who I was. This started at a very early age.... Like I can remember these feelings as early as like 6 or 7. This was what I did all through elementary and junior high school. When I got into highschool I was thrust into a world of 300 other kids who didn't know who they were and were all trying to do the same thing. I very quickly became someone I didn't want to be but in my mind it was better than having no identity at all. This identity would be carried with me everywhere I went. It was branded on me by everyone, my friends, my teachers, my youth group leaders, even my own parents. It was something that it took me until this year this break free from. It wasn't an identity I asked asked for but it was better than walking around numb and not knowing who I am. I would continue this cycle of numbness then conformity, numbness then conformity and so and so forth. All the while the lies inside my head were just getting louder. I didn't know I had an enemy, a vicious enemy that prowls around like a roaring lion waiting to devour you. But he was there and he was loud. I would hear things like "You will NEVER be good enough, "You will always be like this, "You have to be this way or no one will love you, "This is just who you are, accept it" When I started to do drugs the lies started to go like this. "You need this drug, "You will never get by without it, "This is part of your image now, accept it, and the final lie I believed, Toughness is what will make you, don't ever let it go" I came to a point where I accepted toughness as my fate, as my identity, as my cover for every scar on my wounded heart. I remember one day after an AA meeting sitting with some of my friends eating breakfast. There I was with my bleach blond hair, my heavy eye makeup, all my tattoos, my camel smokes in front of me with my zippo lighter, mouth as tight as could be, smoking my cigarette when one of the ladies looks at me as says "Do you always try and act so tough" I was floored. Angry at first that she would dare question my act, then embarrassed that it was so flawed. I have carried that toughness with me for a long time. It made me and it eventually broke me. It's still breaking me. I have carved this image, this idol for myself that I have to be this person, this someone that is cool, tough, and unbreakable. The problem is I am none of those things. While I love to think I am cool, those around me will tell you that I am pretty much a dork. And truth be told I am not tough and don't want to be tough anymore. God see's past my toughness and really so does every one else. I am the queen of meltdowns and when I have one there is no toughness there. God wants my heart to be soft, mold-able to Him and pure above all else. And the unbreakable part of that image well that was broken two and a half years ago when I reached my hands up to the sky out of pure desperation and said "Lord break me" And He was true to His word and He started the longest most painful process that I have ever been through. Part of that process was the breaking of the idol of my image. The toughness, the unbreakable spirit that I carried. The girl who thought that tattoos and torn jeans were who she was and that she needed to be defined by that. It's not me, it never was. The only problem is all the abuse I went through and the lies and I listened to for so long have caused me to still suffer from some identity chaos. I am on a little more solid ground now. I at least know these days what kind of food I like, music I like and have grown up enough to realize that differences in friends are a good thing. But there are some deeper things, some soul things that I have no idea about. Things I need my Father in heaven to speak so sweetly to me. And I believe He will. This I believe is the next part in my healing journey. To really seek Him in my identity, because my identity is in Christ.
"For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sister"
Romans 8:29
That is the only kind of conforming I want these days.......
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hey...It's 2am
1. I secretly wish I had hot pink hair....
2. I really miss my blond hair....
3. While we are on the subject of hair, I REALLY wish I could rock the dread lock look, like really.
4. 2am coffee runs to 7-11 are the greatest.
5. While I am a self admitted coffee snob there really is nothing like cheap french vanilla coffee out of a machine.
6. I REALLY love my daughter.
7. I really thought I wanted to go to seminary to get smarter.
8. Sometimes I really am a doubting Thomas
9. I may not look it on the outside but I am really insecure about a lot of things.
10. Women scare me so being a part of a women's ministry is a HUGE deal.
11. I organize my m&m's by color and eat them according to how many there are of each color.
12. In my dream life I wish I were a bounty hunter.
13. I am very fond of my second ammendment right.
14. If I could skip all the training and years of grunt work I would want to be an FBI agent or a US Marshall.
15. Jesus really is the love of my life, really He is. I am banana's for Him :)
16. When driving I tend to hug the right side of the lane.
17. God revealed to me this week that I had been acting like an Israelite.... I whining, moping, doubting Israelite.
18. Habakkuk 3:19 is my verse for the week, month, season......
19. I still think seminary or bible college is a good idea...
20. I am seeing God do some AMAZING things in the lives of people I know and care about.
21. I have some amazing people in my life, truly amazing.
22. It's 2:39am
23. God has an amazing plan in store for Abigail and her father and I get to see it all unfold.
24. I really want to be Beth Moore's personal assistant.
25. I am still awed that I am a part of the very ministry that was essential in my freedom.
26. I miss Celebrity Sports center (any native Coloradan child of the 80's knows what I am talking about)
27. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!
28. I once prayed, two and a half years ago for God to break me........ He's still breaking me. I didn't quit know what I was getting into when I prayed that prayer.
29. I wonder how many of these facts I can come up with?
30. Six years ago my drug of choice was crack... today my drug of choice is Jesus and coffee :)
31. I would not have believed six years ago if I had been given a glimpse into the future that I would have the life I have today.... God is beyond good, and He is so nice to me. When He could have killed me for my sin, He chose to send His Son to die for me so I could have life and relationship with Him. How great is our God.
32. One more off the wall, totally random fact...... I absolutely CANNOT stand to look at, be near, see on TV, or have ANYTHING to do with cotton balls. They FREAK me out. Everything about them... YUCK. Even just writing about them makes me shiver.
2. I really miss my blond hair....
3. While we are on the subject of hair, I REALLY wish I could rock the dread lock look, like really.
4. 2am coffee runs to 7-11 are the greatest.
5. While I am a self admitted coffee snob there really is nothing like cheap french vanilla coffee out of a machine.
6. I REALLY love my daughter.
7. I really thought I wanted to go to seminary to get smarter.
8. Sometimes I really am a doubting Thomas
9. I may not look it on the outside but I am really insecure about a lot of things.
10. Women scare me so being a part of a women's ministry is a HUGE deal.
11. I organize my m&m's by color and eat them according to how many there are of each color.
12. In my dream life I wish I were a bounty hunter.
13. I am very fond of my second ammendment right.
14. If I could skip all the training and years of grunt work I would want to be an FBI agent or a US Marshall.
15. Jesus really is the love of my life, really He is. I am banana's for Him :)
16. When driving I tend to hug the right side of the lane.
17. God revealed to me this week that I had been acting like an Israelite.... I whining, moping, doubting Israelite.
18. Habakkuk 3:19 is my verse for the week, month, season......
19. I still think seminary or bible college is a good idea...
20. I am seeing God do some AMAZING things in the lives of people I know and care about.
21. I have some amazing people in my life, truly amazing.
22. It's 2:39am
23. God has an amazing plan in store for Abigail and her father and I get to see it all unfold.
24. I really want to be Beth Moore's personal assistant.
25. I am still awed that I am a part of the very ministry that was essential in my freedom.
26. I miss Celebrity Sports center (any native Coloradan child of the 80's knows what I am talking about)
27. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!
28. I once prayed, two and a half years ago for God to break me........ He's still breaking me. I didn't quit know what I was getting into when I prayed that prayer.
29. I wonder how many of these facts I can come up with?
30. Six years ago my drug of choice was crack... today my drug of choice is Jesus and coffee :)
31. I would not have believed six years ago if I had been given a glimpse into the future that I would have the life I have today.... God is beyond good, and He is so nice to me. When He could have killed me for my sin, He chose to send His Son to die for me so I could have life and relationship with Him. How great is our God.
32. One more off the wall, totally random fact...... I absolutely CANNOT stand to look at, be near, see on TV, or have ANYTHING to do with cotton balls. They FREAK me out. Everything about them... YUCK. Even just writing about them makes me shiver.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Out of the past
Out of the past comes a voice....... a voice long forgotten. A voice that I am attached to forever. A voice that part of me shares a part with. A voice that left a long time ago. A voice that made a choice a long time ago. A voice that used to tell me I love you, but yet a voice that never knew what love was. A voice that desperately needs to know the love that comes from Jesus. A voice that I have prayed for, for many years. A voice that used to hurt. A voice that used to laugh. A voice that once was tender. A voice that once tried to make a way for me. A voice that once told me nothing would tear us apart. A voice that I turned away from and left, in that room and made the choice to a give life to my child. A voice that I knew was hurting when He said those awful things. A voice that tried to do the right thing. A voice that never was shown the right way to do things. A voice that now wants to do the right thing. A voice that needs healing. A voice that is seeking the truth. A voice that I desperately want to tell that Jesus loves, that Jesus died for, there is freedom and healing in Jesus. A voice that just wants his daughter. A voice that came from the past.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Baptism
My baptism was me dying to myself. My death to sin, to bondage, to everything unholy in me and to my past. It was my death to legalism and religious bondage. Death to the idea of perfection and who I think I should be in my own eyes. Death to my will, my plan, my ways and my selfish, small thinking. Death to being trapped in my circumstances and living my life based on what is going on around me. My death to unbelief, doubt and fear. Today I went down into the waters, my old self, the rebellious, prodigal child that I was and made my public statement before you and my God that that I am dying to everything behind me and rising out of these waters to alive in Him. To live for Him. To honor Him. To obey Him. To glorify Him. To passionately pursue Him. To grow in Him. To seek Him daily. To love Him more with each passing day. To look at Him and not the world. Let me find thy life in my death.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
So July is another one of those months that causes great reflection within my soul. Abigail was born in July, the 27th to be exact. July 28th 2005 marks the last time I ever used methamphetamine or cocaine, and is also the day that I moved from Kansas to Florida which started the chain reaction of events which eventually led to my salvation and current faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. Right now it's the middle of the night, I am at work and it has been a rough night, I am tired and really need more coffee but have just realized that I passed the point of no return for having coffee. I keep thinking about all the things in my life that are changing. It's all for good, all to grow me up and grow me closer to my savior but all involve some fire and some uncomfortable emotions and processes. God said to me back in October of last year that He was going to do a work in me and He wasn't kidding when He said that. I just didn't know how much of a work it was going to be. I didn't realize that it was going to impact every area of my life. I didn't realize that it was going to change every friendship I had. I had no idea when I held my arms up to Him at that conference last October and "Yes, Lord, Save me" what exactly He was going to do. I am grateful... SO grateful. I cannot even believe that girl I used to be. But that is PROOF right there of the power of a miraculous, life changing Lord.
July 27th, 2005. We were getting ready to move to Florida. Abigail's father and I knew that if we stayed in Kansas we were never going to get clean. Knew that there was no hope for either one of us if we stayed in a place where everyone we knew got high. I don't know if we really thought we were going to get clean, or if somewhere in the back of our minds we knew we just move to Florida and continue to use. I had every intention though that night of going out with a bang, no matter if I planned on using again or not. With every line that I snorted that night I felt myself slipping further and further into an emptiness that I thought I was killing with the drugs. I didn't want to let them go, butI didn't know any other way out. I hated drugs but loved them at the same time. They had been my best friend but yet my worst enemy. I was an addict in every sense of the word and lived my life addicted for a very long time. That night was the beginning of the end. I wouldn't ever pick up meth or cocaine again. I would continue to drink and smoke pot. But God was starting his work in me, beginning to pursue me and started the plan in motion of getting me where He needed me for His ultimate purpose. I kind of got off track with this but I think my point was is who I was, was someone who couldn't go a day without getting high, someone who would have done ANYTHING to get drugs. Now I CANNOT go a day without Jesus, I CANNOT go a day without His Word, I CANNOT go a day without being on my face before Him because I love Him so very much. He began a work in me that July 28, 2005 and it just goes to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do. He is a God who lo ves His children and a God who doesn't want to leave ANY ONE of us where we are. He can use ANY ONE of us for His purpose and ANY ONE of our stories.....
Now I only have an hour left of my shift and must spend it trying to stay awake :)
July 27th, 2005. We were getting ready to move to Florida. Abigail's father and I knew that if we stayed in Kansas we were never going to get clean. Knew that there was no hope for either one of us if we stayed in a place where everyone we knew got high. I don't know if we really thought we were going to get clean, or if somewhere in the back of our minds we knew we just move to Florida and continue to use. I had every intention though that night of going out with a bang, no matter if I planned on using again or not. With every line that I snorted that night I felt myself slipping further and further into an emptiness that I thought I was killing with the drugs. I didn't want to let them go, butI didn't know any other way out. I hated drugs but loved them at the same time. They had been my best friend but yet my worst enemy. I was an addict in every sense of the word and lived my life addicted for a very long time. That night was the beginning of the end. I wouldn't ever pick up meth or cocaine again. I would continue to drink and smoke pot. But God was starting his work in me, beginning to pursue me and started the plan in motion of getting me where He needed me for His ultimate purpose. I kind of got off track with this but I think my point was is who I was, was someone who couldn't go a day without getting high, someone who would have done ANYTHING to get drugs. Now I CANNOT go a day without Jesus, I CANNOT go a day without His Word, I CANNOT go a day without being on my face before Him because I love Him so very much. He began a work in me that July 28, 2005 and it just goes to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do. He is a God who lo ves His children and a God who doesn't want to leave ANY ONE of us where we are. He can use ANY ONE of us for His purpose and ANY ONE of our stories.....
Now I only have an hour left of my shift and must spend it trying to stay awake :)
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Shower Revelations......
So lately I have been thinking a lot about my decision to send Abigail to preschool. It was a decision that took MUCH prayer and consideration and one I didn't make lightly. Before having children I had never given the thought of education much thought. Public school is where I went and well frankly the home school kids I knew were weird. So I never gave it a second thought that once I had children they would go to public school. Once I had Abigail, started going to MOPS and entered into friends with amazing women who home-schooled I started to see the other side of it, the cool side of home schooling and became I intrigued. I started thinking that maybe this would be the choice in education for us. Never really giving a thought the the fact that I am a single working parent. So I started to absorb everything they said when talking about home-schooling, started hanging out at their houses while schooling their children so I could see what they were doing. I was hooked and needed as much info as possible. Well as time went on, and she got older, time got closer and closer for me to begin schooling her I didn't so much start doubting my ability to teach my daughter but really started to prayerfully consider if this was God's best for my family. Working full time, and trying to get Abigail and I to a place where we actually liked each other was becoming a priority and adding something else to the plate didn't seem fair to either one of us. I have also been known to try and do everything, and try and do it perfectly. I have also been known to try and do things to fit in with people. That leads us to today's shower revelation. Over the last seven months I have been on a journey with God towards freedom. Along that journey I am reading, listening, watching ANYTHING that has to do with freedom. I was watching a message today by Bob Hamp on freedom and the definition for freedom that he gave was this. "Freedom is defined by being what God intended, created, and designed you to be" So here I am in the shower praying about some stuff with God. This decision not to home-school and some of the feelings I am having about it being one of them, when here comes the Lord with His 2x4 and He says to me "Bethany if I didn't create you to be a homeschooling mother than you were not walking in freedom by trying to be something you weren't meant to be" He hit me right between the eyes with that one. All along I have been feeling like somehow by not home schooling Abigail I was not living up to who God wanted me to be but in reality by choosing to not home school I am walking in freedom......
How's that for a revelation
How's that for a revelation
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